How much more?

So, today I'm busy feeling sorry for myself. That is, in between intense anger, frustration and disappointment, I'm feeling sorry for myself. My work has become horrendous. Remember how I wrote that I was stressed about the time I needed off Tuesday and Wednesday? Tuesday for Elise's doctor appointment and to pick up / drop off kids since hubby was working 2 hours away in Huntington Beach. Wednesday for A's kindergarten orientation and Elise's first speech therapy session. Well, I was right to be stressed. It blew up for me. Mind you, I worked 3 hours or so from home on Tuesday night so I met all of my deadlines with quality work but apparently I need to be concerned with "perceptions". F#$* perceptions. Excuse me, that would be the extreme anger surfacing again. I'm doing the best I can do and I'm really sick of succeeding but failing because of idiot people's perceptions. Show me where I'm failing, because I'm not. I don't have time to concern myself with what idiots may think. I've got a child that's desperate for my help and the clock is ticking on healing her.

Today, I planned on spending the whole day at work, eating at my desk while working per usual. I had a tight deadline for something that couldn't be started until this morning and needed to be done by 1. I arrive to an e-mail requesting that I finish some other work by 1:30. This was a bit stressful. However, I just sat down and began plugging away at the work. I completed the first big project by 12:30. That left me enough time to adequately make the 1:30 deadline. This was a great plan, except for the fact that by 12 the stress must have kicked in and I ended up with a lot of back pain (according to the doctor this is from my gallbladder). I had chills and found it difficult to sit at the computer with the pain. It's hard to explain, but when the pain hits, it's incredibly intense. I told my boss that I had to go home for my medicine, so I probably couldn't make the 1:30 deadline, it would be closer to 2. Once I left the office, the pain eased up a bit so I just picked up some Tums at a nearby drugstore and went back to work. I finished the other deadline at 1:34. Pretty good - I was proud of myself and feeling better. Then, I get a phone call from my "boss". He talks to me about the fact that my time off isn't creating a good "perception" (remember, the Tums run to the drugstore was during a typical lunchtime which I almost never take). I asked whether there was any problem with me meeting deadlines or with my work quality. Of course there are none, it's all about "perceptions". I was furious. I explained that appointments for an endoscopy, ultrasound and surgeon visit are a neccessity and can't be done "after hours". I would expect that my "boss" could back me up to anyone who questioned my time off based on their "perceptions". Apparently, I expected him to be a person with a backbone, which he's not. I suspect that the real issue stems from the upheaval in the department and all the nasties emerging to show their true colors and secure their futures there. I have news for them, their careers are probably pretty short-lived at this place. I'm actually anxious for the new CFO to start so that the heads can begin rolling. A major overhaul is needed. If I'm part of it, so be it. There are other places out there. However, my work has a lot of substance and I'm pretty sure I won't be an immediate casualty. My boss on the other hand will be if I'm around because he handed off all his substantive work to me months ago. He pretty much attends meetings now. If I'm gone or he makes me look bad, then he can become more necessary again. I've been here before and I've always been the one left standing. I will be again - deal!

I know, this post is supposed to be about Elise and I made it into a vent session about work instead. It's so frustrating to have work distract me from my true mission - to help Elise. Hey, an employer could do worse. I mean, how much more motivated can an employee be than one who is working so that she can provide the necessary therapies and treatments to save her child? The fat cats underestimate the motivation of the working Joes who work to fill basic needs, not to buy a new yacht. OK, time to stop venting, my back is beginning to hurt again. My friend thinks I should file for a stress leave from work. I've never heard of such a thing, it doesn't sound real and it's not something I envision ever doing even if it was possible. However, fantasizing about it is pleasant in a passive-agressive way.